Staying motivated

Today is not a productive day for me ....masih mood Tahun Baru agak nya ...went to office with intention to do some work ..all i managed to do was re-do my dummy data set ...recover my files from an external hard drive yang aku dok ingat selama nie rosak ..rupanya cable jer yang rosak ..so when I used Ped's cable, dapat recover balik all those data ...then feeling unproductive, made a decision to balik ...now dah kat flat ...working while watching tv ..and now take 5 and do a posting ...

Weather today sangat tak helping ..it has been windy since semalam ..and expected berlarutan sampai esok ..kalau kat sini, bila kata windy tu ..it is always over 100 kmsejam ...semalam banyak rumah without electricity sebab angin menumbangkan powerline ... interisland ferry cancelled...airport Welly tutup ...but I was oblivious coz semalam i was working in the office ...today memang tak sanggup dok opis hahaha ...i think esok i will not go in ....i have been good in 2013 ...working till the very last day ...31st tu aku kerja till 5pm ...but in these few days I am having problem motivating myself ...

Since starting PhD, I am fully aware that it is not an easy task - untuk org lain aku tak pasti lah ...but for a perfectionist like me - it is hard work. Sometimes friends commented that I am putting additional pressure on myself ...tak tau lah ...i always have this idea that if i want to so something, it has to be done well ..tak de in my vocab untuk buat sekadar siap ...that may sound cocky but it is me ...so bila i am having this self-doubt of my ability to do my work, memang payah nak lift up my spirit ...hahaha memang diva le kata my friends here ....Having friends who understand help ...i know coz i am lucky to have several of them .....

My officemate and I made a pact - to remind each other that it will be worth it in the end and help each other along the way...kira aku ada personal motivator kat opis hahaha ...admittedly, perjalanan nya akan berliku ...but the end will be worth it .... and each one of us akan ada obstacles tersendiri ..how we get out of it bergantung pada how we deal with things - with life in general ... and we realised that sebab kekadang tu terlalu fokus on our work ..spending long hours in the office ..and not going out to socialise as regular as before Phd .. i tend to neglect my friends ....tolak invitations for salsa ...tolak invitation for hanging out ...tolak invitation  for potluck ...tolak invitations for meeting up ...all in the name of catching up on work ...pleasing supervisors ...and be on top of the game ...I end up rapat with my opismate coz we spent most of our waking hours bersama ...he knows me well by now ...nampak air muka ajer ajer tau samada aku stress or not ...tengok my bekal makanan ke opis ajer tau samada aku dah ran out of groceries or not hahahaha ....and my ex-opismate pun sama...kalau nampak aku lama takde kat FB terus call ..tanya aku ok ke idak ....perlu help or not ...lucky kan aku?  both are so nice and treated me well ....

My others friends are not giving up on me either...dorang pun mostly phd students - and they understand ..and always try to catch up at least sebulan sekali ...they said it helps to meet up ..get away from work and just have fun .....Anita, when she was here - always there with advices and tips ...she keeps me grounded! adik beradik aku yang jauh di mata tetapi dekat sentiasa di hati ni ...always entertaining ...they may not understand what I went thru ...but always there mendengar keluhan aku ....and that is enough for me ....and bagi aku jeles ngan pelbagai makanan yang aku rindui hahaha ...

But one thing yang Ped always said to me di kala aku depressed or stress and moody ...you have a choice ...to smile and get on with it ...or be moody and not productive ...and now dah jangkit kat aku is his way of working ...kalau rasa tak productive, jangan paksa - might as well balik and do something else ...hahaha like what i did today! 

Sounds depressing kan life aku??? well, it does - but i kind of like the challenge ...i am in my own bubble and how i move forward banyak bergantung pada kecekalan ati ...memerah otak hingga ke titisan yang terakhir, support from kekawan dan orang sekeliling ...and also to luck ... and I am reminding myself here that, problems are not forever - just a matter of looking at it at different angles ...and that less is more - dont dwell on the negatives ...coz ia boleh buat kiter lupa pada all the positive things that we have ...

at the end of the day, what I am asking is ...support lah aku ...seadanya ...or just bear with me bila aku stress and mengadu :-)  hehehehe ...

my officemate's way of humouring me ...esp at times yang dia nicknamed as "when Gina left her smile at the flat" ..atau in adik-beradik punya words "bila mulut ejin terjuih!"

 sharing Anita's moment of success ...

This is my end goal ...to stand next to the Chancellor, while the Vice Chancellor read out a short abstract of my reseaach ..before they hand me my scroll ...and hopefull my supervisors will stand with me as a sign of acceptance and respect and  i melambai2 ala retis before going to the back of that row and sit with all those academician ...as a sign that I am accepted as part of the scholar community ...itu impian aku ...sebab itu lah aku work so hard right now ...

so please ...keep me motivated people!!!