counting my blessing ..

I am so sad this week ...pas satu satu event keluarga yang aku hadapi ...nenek sedara aku was admitted to hospital last week ..keadaan memang teruk and the doctor has prepared the family for the worst ..but nenek aku tu bertahan for a week ...melebihi jangkaan doktor who initially thought she couldnt last the night pada hari dia admitted ...a week on, her condition sort of improve ..and gave us hope ...dia boleh gerakkan tangan jari jari dia ...and the day before she passed away, dia buka mata ...but by then her only daughter, who is my dad's cousin, cannot be with her in the room ...kena tengok dari luar through cermin ajer ..coz ada infection ...aku dok whatsapp ngan my sister kata that it is good news la pa semua ..and my sister pun kata ya lah ..and less than 10 mins later I got a message from my sister to say that our beloved nenek has passed away a few hours earlier but my parents tak nak aku ngan my sister tahu ...coz my sister was hospitalised at that time ...and my mum know I will be a basket case if I found out ....this nenek sedara was so close to us that most times during our childhood till my uni days, kami adik beradik lagi rapat dengan dia compared to my own nenek ...kalau gi balik longhouse during our childhood, instead of gi rumah sendiri, her house will be our first stop ..pas makan minum and lepak situ baru kami gerak ke rumah sendiri which is only 3 doors away ..that is how close we were ...and her husband is my dad's uncle ...his only uncle (the other uncle passed away masa my dad kecik) and my dad and my mum sangat attached to this family ..we all are ....so, her sad passing really hit me ...hard ...i cannot be on my own coz i would think of her and cried ...and now am having headache ...i feel completely useless coz i am so far away ...all i can do is message dorang ..and my brother and Jane yang update me with whats going on ....

and another news pulak, my sister had her operation semalam ...all is well, alhamdullilah but she is still being monitored by the doctor ...and still hospitalised as I am writing this and my parents are in KL babysitting her darling daughter ..so tak leh nak balik kampung pun for my nenek's funeral..but they have the chance to ziarah kat hospital masa dia mula2 admitted dulu ..hanya dom and jane and the kids yang mewakilkan kami ...as expected, I am a basket case right now ..I am so down and depressed ...feeling useless ...and i hate my assignments coz I am stuck at that last 3 questions ...and workload yang bertimbun timbun ....i have been trying to cheer myself up since morning but by midday i gave up ...throbbing headache ...mata bengkak...idung sumbat ...ran out of tissue ...memang aku berkurung kat bilik ajer ...

but am feeling so blessed ...ada flatmates yang perihatin ...walaupun aku tak rapat ngan dorang mcm aku rapat ngan Maryam ...dorang cuba cheer me up ...siap baking cookies ok ...utk make me feel better ...i am so touched!!!

aku memang tak rapat ngan dorang berdua nie ..macam aku ngan Maryam ..we are close ..we get along most of the time ...tolak insiden towel briscoes and a few insiden sepah dapur lah kan ..but the thought that they did all these to cheer me up buat aku lagi sedih huhuhu ...and then I was chatting to mentor kesayangan aku...told him I was so down and depressed and demotivated semua tu ...especially with this abstract presentation looming ..and that i felt my proposal is so not ready ..and that there are times when I felt my topic is so lame ...and cited a few cases yang mana orang failed semua tu .....haaaa ambik, terus kena marah dah tadi ...well, put it this way, he sort of knock some senses in me and lifted my spirit again ....for that I am thankful ...he is actually one of the very few people, outside of my own family, whom i trust to give me sound advice ..and he didnt mince his word ..dia akan ckp direct punya lah ...i am lucky to have someone like him willing to give me all this guidance and act as my sounding board ...

gambar yang mendamaikan@ Hatatai

 

somewhere in Eastbourne ...

and my officemate gave me a really good parting advice last friday ..7 tips for success kata nya for me to survive 4 bulan nie - which are my crucial months to do my proposal - (i) maintain good relationship with sv - coz he can make or break you!; (ii) write and show your work - dont sit on it; (iii) treat phd like work - jgn ponteng, coz once ponteng akan melarat, which is true; (iv) avoid distractions ...he told me to switch off my wireless connection kat fon coz i am so attached to my fon kata nya ..but no, i am not going to switch off ..cuma kena kurangkan FB ajer kot...; (v) dont be shy to ask for help from people around you ...and people that matter coz you cannot do it alone; (vi) remember Gina, this is just  phd ..you are not here to change the world...there are no marks ...you only need to pass...so dont kill yourself for this ...and last but not least (vii) you can do it ...trust yourself; you can do it ....these are the advice yang org bagi kat dia hahaha siap dalam buku lagi ...dan telah diperturunkan pada aku ....some of these advices aku pernah dengar dulu ...from my colleagues, my mentor and ppl yang buat phd ...esp part about jaga relationship with sv ..treating it like work ...and that part which says be realistic - it is just a phd ..you are not going to change the world ....i will take this ..all of these and use it to remind myself ..to pick myself up when i am feeling down ...

i just felt so overwhelm these last few days ..TOO MUCH WORK ..and a couple of distractions and problems ...dugaan, I know ....and I have only been here exactly 3 month esok (monday, 29th April) ...rasa macam dah lama sangattttttttttt .....but having friends help jugak ..and I am counting my blessing sebenarnya ..walaupun baru gak kat sini, aku dah kenal a few friends yang very kind and helpful ...and also knowing I can always count on my trusted circle of friends back home for their support and encouragement ...the next few months are going to be crucial ...and I hope ..and I pray that aku boleh bertahan ..aku mampu membuat apa yang patut aku buat ....

so, this is it ...3 months had gone by ...and soon it will be my fourth months ....and before I know it, it will come to Nov ..the dayyyyyyy for my presentation ....