Finding myself in Aotearoa

Today dah masuk 19th Dec (well, NZ awal 5 jam from Malaysia kan) ..and before we know it, it will be 2015 soon ..another year will pass by..sedar tak sedar, this will be my second New Year celebration di bumi Welly ini ..soon, it will be my 3rd year in my beloved Aotearoa, the Land of the Long White Cloud ..Aotearoa is The Maori name for NZ :-)

I keep thinking these past few weeks ...ada hikmah aku ke sini ..I was getting so comfortable at home and at work just before I came here ...I was complacent in more ways than others ..and I started to take things for granted, the people I love pun started to be ignored due to my busy schedule and selfishness ..I dont know what I wanted ..i need a challenge ...hence, this PhD journey ..it came just in time ...and I think, in so many levels, it kind of save me from myself ...and being in NZ is a challenge ..I came to a place where I dont know anyone, where I start fresh ..and looking back, I do think I started to "find" myself again ...cam poyo kan ...but, that's how I feel ....sometimes, we just go ploughing straight ahead without realising where we are heading ..and only when I am here that I look back and realised that this move has been good to me ...admittedly memang aku busy ...but being alone made me re-assess my direction, my state of mind ..my future ..teach me independence again ..and the signifiance of determination and resilience ...

and with the end of the year looming by, time to look at ourselves kot ...where do we want to be next year ..how to improve ourselves - like my uncle said to me the other day - where do you see yourself 5 years from now :-) to be honest, I dont know where I will be ...I still dont know what I want ..but one thing for sure, I want to finish my PhD by then ...

 a normal day at the office :-)

and ooo boy, didnt realise this thing called PhD is such a lonely journey ..and how hard it is ..but in the spirit of finding myself, I realise today that I need self-discipline to move forward ..it was raining so bad this morning, but through sheer determination, I walked in the rain and get soaked in the process - hahahaha because I know if I stay in, i will loose 9 hours of works, but 20mins of walking in the rain, I arrived at the uni and changed into dry clothes, i was productive ..I manage to get some work done..a few years back, i dont think i would have done this...it is all about priority now ..and I know people said that i dont have to work this hard, i dont have a life ..bla bla bla ..but you are not living my life ..I am ..and I dont want to regret not doing this things this way in the future ...

Maybe by the end of this journey, I will understand what I am made of - lots of tears, blood and sweat..and maybe love, will be sacrificed ... being away from those who love me, things and environment that are familiar is hard ..i may look happy, but there are times when I wish I could run back to the arms of my family ...but, someone reminded me today - that success come in a variety of ways - and along the way, you'll meet a lot of people - who will support you, love you, criticise you, belittle you - all these people will make you stronger - my uncle's motivational email made me think of the last two years I am here ...i am here to do my phd and also to find myself - i think i lost some part of me in the last 10 years that  make me cynical, distrustful of people and very selfish ...i know i am too hard on myself - maybe, just maybe, one day I'll find what I am looking for ...and Aotearoa is a good place for that - it is like a slice of heaven on earth ....I have faith that things will work out for me ..and Aotearoa is a good place to start ...

Sebab we are all so busy with our lives, maybe we lost touch with what we need most - peace of mind, life satisfaction, work-life balance - I hope this coming new year all of us can have it all ...a more relaxed lifestyle ..and not pressuring ourselves dalam mengejar kehidupan duniawi semata mata ...so, here's to a better 2015 to my adik beradik ...love you guys to the moon and back ...and so looking forward to see you guys again ...

Someone said to me "it doesn't take strength to hang on, but it takes a lot of strength and determination to let go" .. he is right, letting go is hard ...finding oneself is hard ...but, in order to move on, I decide that letting go is probably the best thing to do ...i dont mean specific things here ..cuma in general ..letting go of my fear (i hate failure) is one example hahaha ...and letting go of unnecessary things that shackle us ....it is hard, but i have to learn to let go of things I cannot have, and things I cannot control .........